3 Strategies For Happy, Healthy Relationships

In our last blog post, we talked about how positive relationships affect our happiness, mental health, and physical health. We know that creating and maintaining positive relationships can seem extremely difficult, sometimes even impossible.

So, how do people form positive, happy relationships? While there are many skills and tools, we want to give you 3 easy, effective strategies that will help you cultivate relationships that are good for you and your people.

Before we dive in, it’s important to remember as you’re reading this that any reference to a relationship or partner does not JUST mean romantic. This article is meant to explore the strategies of emotional regulation, reciprocity, and rupture & repair in ALL types of relationships, from family to friends to romantic.

Emotional Regulation

What Is Emotional Regulation?

Why Emotional Regulation Helps In Relationships

Well, emotional regulation leads to less fights, more harmony, and better communication in all types of relationships.

 Think about it, if you are able to experience and process your emotions healthily, are you going to lash out on others? No! When we explode, our emotions are controlling us. But when you can regulate your emotions, you are in control of your emotions instead of vise versa. 

 On top of that, emotional regulation has been linked to higher empathy and compassion. (2)(3). And as we know, when you can understand another person and have empathy for them, you are more likely to treat them with respect and compassion, including those closest to you!

 Now, imagine a relationship where the two people have no emotional regulation. Neither has the ability to understand and process their own emotions, much less each other’s which leads to more conflict and less growth.

Regulating your own emotions is crucial for creating lasting, healthy relationships. So, how does one begin regulating their emotions?

Emotional Regulation Techniques

Learning to regulate emotions takes patience and practice, but luckily, we’ve got some awesome emotional regulation techniques that will have you regulating your emotions in no time!

Whenever you feel a strong emotion, take these 4 steps first:

• Pause
• Name Your Emotion
• Validate Your Emotion
• Feel Your Emotion
• Identify What Triggered That Emotion

After you’ve done that, move on to any of the follow ways to handle the emotion:

• Practice Mindfulness Or Meditation
• Talk Through The Emotion With A Friend
• Journal About The Emotion
• Take A Time Out (Go for a walk, exercise, draw, read, write. Just do something to get yourself OUT of your head.)
• Talk With Your Therapist

The key to emotional regulation is accepting and DEALING with your emotions. Often, when we experience a negative feeling, we want to bury it or ignore it. But this only makes the emotion grow stronger.

Identifying, feeling, and understanding your emotions takes the control away from your emotions, letting you be in control of how you react. Which allows for more room in your relationships for empathy and understanding. Thus, your relationships become healthier and better overall.

Reciprocity

What Is Reciprocity?

The definition of reciprocity according to Merriam Webster is the quality or state of being reciprocal; mutual dependence, action, or influence OR a mutual exchange of privileges. (4) For the purposes of this article, we must take that definition and apply it to relationships. And though many psychology websites and mental health professionals will put the definition into their own words, I found one that encompassed them all.

Kendra Cherry defined reciprocity in relationships as, “the mutual exchange of energy and support between partners. (5)  

Wow that definition just hit hard and true, how did it land for you? Reciprocity, when it comes to relationships, is all about giving and receiving. In order for there to be reciprocity in a relationship, each person has to be fully committed to the relationship and the other person.

Why Reciprocity Is Important

Have you ever been in a friendship or relationship where you felt like you were the one always reaching out? But never them. Or you were always there for them in their problems, but as soon as you had a problem, they were nowhere to be found? Or maybe it was even just little things. Maybe you showed up to all their events but they were never at yours?

THIS, dear reader, is exactly what a relationship WITHOUT reciprocity is.

Whether you’ve experienced this or not (although, I have a feeling most of us HAVE), surely you can imagine how bad it would feel to be in that type of relationship.

 On the flip side, being in a relationship or friendship that has clear reciprocity is the best feeling ever. You know you care about each other, and you’re both putting in the effort to take care of each other and support each other.

Being in a fully reciprocal relationship has extreme benefits such as higher respect, full commitment, feelings of being understood, higher empathy, and easier forgiveness. (6)

Sadly, we all have probably been on BOTH sides of a lopsided relationship. But fortunately, there are ways to work toward increasing your reciprocity in relationships AND identifying which relationships you’re putting more effort in and which relationships may be lacking.

Reciprocity Skills

1 Be Open And Honest:

Being able to tell someone where you need more and being open to hearing when they tell you they need more is crucial. We aren’t mind readers! Sometimes, we need to be told. Be open to expressing your feelings and emotions.

2. Give Each Other Grace

EVERYONE makes mistakes. Like I said, there are probably times you’ve not been as involved as you should, but you didn’t realize. In the same way, your friends/partners could feel the same way. Remember everyone deserves second chances and there will always be times when someone can’t be there for you in the way you need in that moment. Be willing to allow your friends or partners to grow, as you would want them to let you. Of course, if you keep having conversations, and they are not showing up for you how you need consistently, it may be time for you to pull back.

3. Remember You Are On Each Other’s Teams

Don’t play the blame game. When there’s a problem, it’s you two VS the problem. Not you VS each other. 

4. Listen To Your Partner

Don’t listen to respond. Listen to UNDERSTAND. Be open and willing to hear what the other person is saying and make the changes necessary to support them.

Rupture And Repair

What Is Rupture & Repair?

The last strategy we will leave you with is rupture and repair. Rupture and repair is exactly what its name insinuates: a break or tension in the relationships AND then healing that break.

Why Is Rupture And Repair Important?

EVERY relationship has problems. In fact, it’s impossible to be in any type of relationship where both parties agree 100% of the time. Which is why learning to mend those problems is essential for a healthy, strong relationship. 

Imagine: you  have an issue, but it never gets solved. So both parties in the relationships are left unsatisfied. Then, that issue grows into another and another. Eventually, the relationship falls apart. Not because of any huge differences or problems, but because the people never learned to REPAIR hurt feelings.

Ruptures are impossible to avoid. In every relationship, you will have perpetual problems. In every relationship, you will hurt and you will be hurt.

The key is being able to work together to REPAIR the hurt that is caused each time in respectful ways.

Rupture And Repair Strategies

When you feel there is a disruption in one of your relationships, the best way to fix the problem is to TALK it out. Communication is key for every type of relationship. 

And while you talk about your issues, remember to:

1. Listen To Your Partner- Listen for how you impacted them.

2. Admit Your Faults-It’s okay to make mistakes.

3. Apologize-“I am sorry” is a complete sentence when it is said with sincerity.

4. Forgive-Accept the apology and know your partner is doing their best in this moment.

5. Be Open And Honest About Your Feelings And The Impact

6. Work Together As One Team toward a solution if one is necessary.

The Bottom Line

We know positive relationships are good for our mental and physical health, but navigating relationships can be overwhelming. 

Hopefully now, you’ll be able to take these three techniques of emotional regulation, reciprocity, and rupture & repair to enhance and grow your relationships.

If you are ready to engage in individual therapy to begin to gain more ability to regulate your emotions, reach out to our Client Care Coordinator.

We can also see you and your partner for couple or adult family therapy to work on rupture and repair skills.

References

1. “Emotion Regulation.” Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/emotion-regulation. Accessed 10 January 2024.
2. Thompson NM, Uusberg A, Gross JJ, Chakrabarti B. Empathy and emotion regulation: An integrative account. Prog Brain Res. 2019;247:273-304. doi: 10.1016/bs.pbr.2019.03.024. Epub 2019 May 10. PMID: 31196438.
3. Maibom, Heidi L. “Empathy and Emotion Regulation.” Philosophical Topics, vol. 47, no. 2, 2019, pp. 149–64. JSTOR, https://www.jstor.org/stable/26948111. Accessed 10 Jan. 2024.
4. “Reciprocity.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/reciprocity. Accessed 10 Jan. 2024.

5.  Cherry, Kendra. “What Is Reciprocity?” Verywell Mind, 7 March 2023, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-rule-of-reciprocity-2795891. Accessed 10 January 2024.